| (no subject) |
[Jan. 28th, 2008|08:39 pm] |
I'm doing somewhat better now. I killed the SAT's in a truly fabulous fashion. I should get scores in like 2 weeks. I really hope I make finalist.
More than the homesickness now, I'm just upset by general loneliness. I feel rather pathetic and rejected for silly reasons, I take things too personally, and I wish I had more self confidence. As it stands though, I know I have trouble making my friends and I'm doing my best to adress that.
I'm getting tired of the drunk people. Really, an entire bottle of vodka is a little much for any one person.
I'm also just a tad stressed, "GOD DAMN YOU ADRIEN" 5 fucking biology writeups, each taking about 2-3 hours in the next week. *screams*
I wish someone read this. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 20th, 2008|03:56 pm] |
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This is not a good day. |
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| we're on our way |
[Jan. 19th, 2008|11:52 am] |
So yep... still homesick.
But not crushingly so. I'm managing. Gave up on quite so much ambition as a few days ago (skipped breakdancing.) I think this is a much more acceptable schedule. But then... I haven't even really touched my English oral. Arrrgh.
But today (Saturday) I have decided to make cookies! From scratch! For my friend Alejandra, (she's from Guatemala) that taught me how to swim. And probably some other people too!
I'm still rather lonely, but you know, the feeling is going back to the place it usually lived while I was in America. There it was easily ignored. I'm getting there now.
I do still miss my porn though. *long dejected sigh* |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 16th, 2008|10:49 am] |
Sooo yeah...
A week later, I'm REALLY FREAKING SORE!!!
I got sick the morning of the flight, not my usual "I'm slightly tired so I'm going to whine about being sick" sick, but more "Oh god, let me stop throwing up" sick. I was sick before the flight, I was sick on the flight, I was sick when I got to AC. I was sick... So I slept through pretty much all of Tuesday, and quite a lot of Wednesday (the 9th.) And then I felt better, just really homesick.
So I decided I would ambitious as all fuck this term and try and
A) Maintain an IB predicted grade of 38 or above out of 42.
B) Be involved in no less than 5 activities, with the idea of rotating one of those so its more like 7.
C) Earning my pool lifeguard certificate/award, which is required for EMC anyway, but I'm going to struggle, what with the fact that I'm out of shape and a crap swimmer.
D) Somehow maintain hope that I'm not going to run away or do stupid things because I'm homesick.
E) Actually make friends (at which I am crap.)
So far I've got A&B under control. Though B is making me sore. C is required so I HAVE to practice swimming *flounders for time, doesn't find it, decided to skip ALL next weeks activities, renounces on that plan because of the SOUL CRUSHING GUILT.* I haven't managed the hope part of D, but I haven't actually "run away or done stupid things" so hey... ahead of the game. E is just too fucking hard.
Time is amazingly slow here. I feels like I've been here a month when its only been 7 days. Suggestions, keeping busy doesn't seem to work.
I actually just want to go be reclusive in my room right now and go watch DVD's or something, but I can't because I scheduled myself like an INSANE PERSON!!!
I hate ambition. |
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| gentle preservation of children's minds |
[Jan. 8th, 2008|03:46 am] |
My last day in Memphis for 5 months. Its 3 in the morning, no real surprise, I'm nocturnal when I control my own schedule. So... since it is impossible to update from school I'll give a short synopsis of the last 3 months, my first term at "AC."
It sucked.
I wrote a very interesting, very long lj post on the plane over here, that was over a month ago. I still might end up posting it, though I don't like the idea of an outdated post. I'm not looking forward to a scene in the airport, I'm hoping I'll be able to avoid it, but I'll probably freak out.
Apparently, I get extremely, miserably homesick. It's gotten better, but the first month wasn't very fun. Making friends helped, but I'm not spectacular at this particular talent and it took a while. I have good friends from Oregon, Gabon, Nigeria, Peru, Guatemala, and Britain. That's pretty cool.
I don't think the first few day's back will be particularly happy, but it's not a completely new experience this time (and no 4 day camp sharing with 15 other girls in a tiny tent and 6 hour camp.) *city girl shudders*
I have learned many important lessons.
A) I LIKE CITIES! I DON'T LIKE THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!
B) I LIKE PRIVACY! I'm somewhat antisocial about a third of the time. Sharing a dorm with 3 other girls is not conducive.
C) White Station is really fucking hard academically, AC is a piece of cake compared to Douglas.
D) I'm not easily satisfied. If I even want to be CONTENT, much less happy, I've got to work at it like a bitch. I've got insecurity issues the size of Manhattan, but they don't always have to get in the way of having a social life. Some people actually view them as a challenge.
I really really really love my family.
and my bed. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 4th, 2007|11:30 am] |
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So, this is my last 30 or so minutes at my house. The car is packed for the airport and my parents are turning off lights. I'm scared, I say goodbye to R&J soon. First I have a 9 hour to Gatwick, then a week pottering around London before I go to school. There is SO much luggage. See everybody in 24 hours or so. |
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| To you who don't have anything at all |
[Aug. 5th, 2007|09:40 pm] |
Weave
A man with dreads
Sweat covered and mid-song
Bent over used guitar, shirt-cuffs worn to shreds
Braids flying, three feet long
Shiny varnish dark, gorilla locks
Playing music nostalgia bright
Passion arching, electric shocks
Burnt hair in faded subway light
A different life in scales and notes
Eyes avert from dirty threads
Hungry case fills with tired quotes
Bobs thank you to a thousand faceless heads |
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| Dirty Little Whirlwind |
[Jul. 8th, 2007|11:52 pm] |
So I want to tell a story about a
Cocky, English, Blond addicted to cigarettes, and entirely to attached to his ankle length coat. He has EXTREME issues with his family and can put down some alcohol. He lives in squalid conditions often, mostly when he has been rejected by the woman he loves. He tends to overreact. He can get VERY annoyed when someone is cutting in on his shtick, especially when said Los Angeles based brooding wanker corrupts a perfectly good name by changing it. He's killed the king of vampires when he was least expecting it. He loves punk music and gave the devil the bird. He has an alter ego who seems both better adjusted and more successful. He's talked to John F. Kennedy, and the Mohicans. He doesn't seem to like Arsenal.
And I'm talking about John Constantine, not Spike if your curious. Though it is fun to find parallels. Though I don't think Spike met either JFK or the Mohicans. *shrugs* I've probably been reading too much Hellblazer lately. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 18th, 2007|05:08 pm] |
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I am going to Wales to study for an International Baccalaureate degree. I will be there for two years and I will no longer be going to high school. I'm in fucking heaven. |
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| Not a Waste of Time |
[Jan. 5th, 2007|03:39 pm] |
OH MY GOD!
Go see Children Of Men. Now. It is absolutely spectacular. The set design. The world. They are all beautifully well thought out and chilling. God, I was more impacted then I have been in ages. Go see it.
-Sophie |
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| we can sing to the cracks in the crossbeams |
[Oct. 21st, 2006|08:39 pm] |
Almost done with my paper if by done I mean still having conclusion/editing/works cited left. I FEEL SO BORED. Saw The Prestige, saw the endings coming but still loved it.
*****
My last Bible dip reads that I should raise my head to the sky and wail like a lion. Or get more sleep. I have trouble deciding to go with literal or metaphoric translations sometimes. When my finger lands on the "death on a pale horse" line I have the knowledge to know that this is a negative answer, but "proclaim his praise like the lion roars at his whelps". What the crap.
But truly, it is a fun way of making arbitrary descisions. It may not be any pro/con list, but it certainly leads to fun lottery tickets. The powerball number is smote.
Maybe it should be how I decide to go to college. "His armies were exceeding" implies Annapolis maybe, how about somewhere out of country? "His armies then fled at the sight of the beast." Ooookay maybe not.
This harmless addiction to indescision seems to plague me in other places as well. Where do you want to eat? I don't know. When do you want to go? I don't know. Are you going to get out of this house any time soon? I don't know. Maybe I've been afflicted with Pestilence. "Spittle" Crap. |
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| I deal in human fulfillment. |
[Oct. 20th, 2006|08:00 pm] |
Who knew Risky Business had a soundtrack that I liked. I certaintly didn't.
Almost halfway through first draft of Argument Research paper. Brain is slightly numb.
Back from a deviant art break. I want to talk to someone. Not in an interview type way, I've had too many of those lately, but in a personal way.
****
How was your childhood. Wonderful. I love my parents. They've always given me support and we rarely fights between my mother and father. He was an alchoholic and I live with my Grandmother was one of the first black women to desegregate schools. She has always been a major influence besides your parents?
Pat Pat pat Pat answer and Honestly do you mind if I'm honest I'll tell the truth here. I'm We Us are having some trouble. A little nervous but really I just want to connect. Make friends of course.
Lie Lie so tempting to lie to tell her that I have massive experience with children. Tell her you have 12 cousins. Close enough. Approximation. I love my cousings with approximately 34% of total capacity. I've never been a great talker, mostly listener patient. My dad's a doctor/alchoholic/race leader and really truly I'm a little uncomfortable.
Fake Smile 1 2 3 now. I love it when they're curious and quiet and don't bother me too much and are willing to break the ice so I don't have to do the work Oh god I have so much work. Pour myself into a goal with no goalie and I fill the net with all the stress and none of this is showing. I love it when they're curious. Fake Smile.
Sincerity pours from my pores and i should have used deoderant but I'm too lazy on the couch thinking of ideas for photographs and stressing instead of just doing something to solve it. Maybe I should mention art in the interview maybe they'll match me with a kid that likes art maybe I should lie maybe.
-And there is my freethought for the day. |
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| You don't have to breathe |
[Oct. 17th, 2006|10:48 pm] |
When the rain starts in Memphis, it never seems to stop. About mid October everyone re-remembers how to open car doors with their sleeves pulled completely over their hand, letting the cotton absorb what would otherwise freeze their fingers. Pant’s legs are grabbed tightly, bunching the fabric above the knees, when dashing over any distance outside, and rolled halfway up the leg as soon as one steps inside. Silence is forgotten, a mere memory in the cacophony of wet sneaker mouse squeaks and too tight windshield wipers, performing endlessly the ceaseless, thankless task of clearing our line of sight for fog. Sun, no longer a bright blind spot, instead now a weak shadow of light, inching occasionally through dense blues and grays. Blur covers all sights, turning distinctness into fuzz. All smell but the scent of asphalt and mud is muffled, softer, dead. All life slow and lethargic except for the raindrops which are always chased around the flat surfaces of glass and mirrors. Life lived in sudden staccato drumbeats, which wake all up to the omnipresence of ambulances, always around the corner, lights never on. In Memphis nothing is ever clean, and anything that appears so is fooling itself and others. That it has some protection from the rain is a lie. Because the wet is tracked into all facets and hidey-holes until everything has been sullied and turned an indistinct kind of gray.
Sorry for the bit of ugghhhh. |
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| Nothing safer than the troposphere |
[Sep. 7th, 2006|08:10 pm] |
I've fallen in love.
The current name is "Kitty" but I call her Commy in private. I just spent an hour making this cat trust me, and she does. I didn't want to adopt this feral cat. I figured it would encroach on Gwen's territory. But I LOVE this cat.
Giant eyes and giant ears and a high strident mew, and she lets me pet her and crawls into my lap on her own and perches on my knee like a gargoyle on a castle. She feels safest when our faces are inches apart and we keep eye contact. Her eyes are the palest shade of green, almost gray, and she's missing one of her two bottom front teeth.
It seems instinctive for her to do cute things. She fights with the towels and falls into my dad's shoes, and is so tiny she fits in my two cupped palms.
She also has fleas and I itch like mad.
She's a playful cuddler at heart, a first among my cats, and I can see falling to sleep with this kitty purring in my arms.
-Sophie |
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| Girls For Change |
[Sep. 1st, 2006|06:16 pm] |
I have been involved with a kind of activist group for about 8 months now. We're called Girls For Change and at the moment seem to be a bit stalled. We need fresh blood and if anyone is willing to attend and just give your point of view and share your outlook it would be greatly appreciated.
Next Meeting: Saturday September 16 , 4 - 6 p.m.
Hooks Public Library, 3030 Poplar Ave. All girls 13 - 17 welcome! Please join us!
Calling all girls: Take charge of your own life! Want more accurate information on sex, pregancy and STI's? Demand it! Want to stop sexual harrassment in your school? Learn how! Want to feel better about your body and enjoy looking like a powerful, healthy person? You can!
Girls for Change is a diverse and passionate group of girls ages 13-17 from public, private and parochial schools throughout Shelby County . We are learning how to make positive changes in our lives, our schools, our communities, and our world. Come join us and see how it feels to be truly empowered!
Girls for Change is a leadership and policy training project for teen girls initiated by the Memphis Area Women's Council, the University of Memphis' Center for Research on Women and Women's Studies Program. Through Girls for Change, Memphis girls ages 13-17 are encouraged and supported to "take charge and make change." They learn to identify and articulate problems, conduct and utilize research, and organize with others to take action on issues they believe in.
To date more than 60 girls from over 15 public, private andparochial schools in Shelby County have participated in Girls for Change. Last year at monthly meetings and a city-wide rally the girls identified the following issues as being critical to the health, happiness and well-beiong of all girls in our community:
* Access to comprehensive sexuality education and pregnancy/STI prevention programs
* Reduction in relationship violence and sexual harassment in schools
* Promotion of positive self-esteem and body image
This year Girls for Change will be working to "take charge and make change" in these important areas on behalf of all girls throughout Memphis and Shelby County . Please encourage any girls you know to come check it out at the upcoming September 16 meeting.
For more information contact: dclubb@memphis.edu
Or check out our website at: http://memphiswomen.org/girlsforchange/ |
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| there could be nothing better |
[Aug. 29th, 2006|05:06 pm] |
I'm sick again with no choice but to slog through it. My mind is slow and functions as if buried under half a ton of cough syrup. My nose makes sniffly sounds without my consent and I feel like calling nasal rape on the multitudes of tissues invading my personal space. My eyes feel dry and stretched around my face like I didn't get enough sleep in the middle of the day. I've given up on my desperate attempt at Obsessive Compulsive and decided to just always feel dirty.
The blankets that I usually associate with comfort are scratchy and feel slightly prison like and cloying, if I made the attempt to leave they would hug and twist and chafe and I would give up. The braids that I have spent years pleating into the monstrosity seem crusted and old and a little bit sharp. I'm a little afraid to touch them.
The silence is stifling so my music is on especially loud. I've searched frantically for any word from other people and recieve just enough to keep me slightly sane.
The days have dragged for weeks and already I count the days to the next weekend, next holiday. This isn't where I am meant to be. I could learn more in other places but this place is necessarry. Like water is necessarry but milk is addicting. I want to be free again. I want to be back in California learning about something I enjoy, with people that don't look at me funny for speaking as much or the way I do. Who aren't cynical and haven't forced me to think with a dirty mind in order to keep up.
My sarcasm has multiplied in recent times. It sometimes is bitter now, and I puzzle over this, because I am not bitter, and can not think of the origin of this spite.
I got angry the other day. Not at anyone, just pure teenage petulance and its obvious that it hasn't happened much until now because my mothers reaction was shocked and I wondered if she ever expected me to go through any "phases" on which to lecture me on and is disappointed.
I am distant and I am getting angry at nobody and I want to be here and happy again and really I'm just sick right now.
... |
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| hold on to yourself |
[Jul. 31st, 2006|11:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anticapatory | ] |
| [ | music |
| | U2, and dido (an old kick, so sue me) | ] |
My mothers birthday was yesterday and I accompanied her and most of the Moskop clan and friend to a Redbirds game. I went all out, as per usual, and managed a bunch of very cute pics. One of my cousin, Scott Michael, that I am going to enter to the fair. Absolutely adorable.
Unfortuanately, my enthusiasm was such that this morning I woke up, rolled over, screamed, crawled into my bathroom and proceeded to be sick for about 15 minutes. Then I crawled back to my room, called my mother, and told her it would be nice if she could come home for a few minutes to get me some medicine. The medicine worked like a charm and I felt better almost instantly. It was awful this morning though. I wanted to just pass out.
Talking to Rob about using the Rhodes gym as an "arena" in my movie. That's one of the scenes I plan on filming second day of shooting, so I should be able to have permission and access by then.
I finished The Grapes of Wrath this night. That finishes out my actual reading. Tomorrow I start on Awakening questions, I'm aiming for three days on thoughs, giving me two days for Grapes of wrath and Angelas Ashes writing. Then the week before school, I will do my art and Japanese.
Seems pretty sound. Yes, I know I procrastinated, but noone actually gets thier summer reading done in a timely manner, that just aint nat'ral.
And also yes, I'm speaking Okie, gorram it.
Or wait, thats browncoat. |
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| Audition Date |
[Jul. 31st, 2006|01:42 am] |
Saturday August 5th if I can have near enough people.
I'll audition and hopefully film two scenes, day of. Anyone interested please comment. I'll give you more info on how to get to my house and so on. Also will probably friend you so I can give out my address in a way my parents wont kill me for. All personal information will be f-locked.
So yeah, I'm Sophie. Making my first movie on my own. I'm taking it seriously though, so please do not come just to heckle me. I'm looking for 3 male leads and one female lead. I'd like to also have someone else there to A) make sure noone gets runover by a car while I'm looking down a camera lens and B) can keep shot lists and equipment fairly organized so nothing gets stolen.
All attending will get free pizza, sodas and a chance for credit in an independent movie.
Unless I screw up, which I won't, but if I do it will be a fun experience anyway.
I'm hoping everyone can meet about 11:00 A.M. at my house, but that's not written in stone.
Please, Please, Please. What I need is actors (not only for this movie, but for future films as well. If any friends are interested, send them here. I'll give them something to do.
Thanks, comment if interested. |
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